


Cowfeyrac

by thepeopletoomustrise



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Cow, Gen, in which Courfeyrac is Courfeyrac
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-28
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 20:12:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/983119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopletoomustrise/pseuds/thepeopletoomustrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Courfeyrac has a new friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cowfeyrac

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a month since I've written anything for you guys, and I apologize that this is the first thing you'll have. Really. I do. I hope it makes you smile. 
> 
> It's a crack!fic taken from a prompt from ecriture-de-la-fangirl on tumblr. Also, dedicated to Andrea, who needs some cheering up! 
> 
> Movie!Verse

**The Incident**

 

Courfeyrac passed it every _damn_ day (And by “it,” let the reader note we are indeed referring to a cow). Said cow remained tied to a post against a small street vendor’s shack – a ratty rope was always wound tightly around its neck, and it mooed and mooed when Courf passed it during his trek to the Musain.

 

And every day, his friend (whom he called Monsieur Cow) looked worse and worse. The middle of the street was no place for this animal, and it was around noon when one day Courfeyrac finally grew fed up of the whole injustice. He marched over to the post the rope was so tightly wrapped to, patted the complaining cow on the neck, and looked around. He wondered briefly if anyone owned it, though he did come to the rapid conclusion that no, no one would ever mistreat such a graceful creature. It took him a few moments before he finally untied the knot that held the rope to the post, and wound it around his hand. Monsieur Cow mooed rather grumpily, and Courfeyrac frowned.

 

“Oh, don’t complain. I’m just trying to help,” a few passersby gave him odd looks. Nevertheless, Courfeyrac took hold of the cow’s rope, ready to walk away from the scene. He glanced back, though, with a momentary worry that he was stealing someone’s beloved pet (but surely, it wasn’t beloved, as it clearly was not being taken care of, so…) and he tossed a few francs on the ground near the post.

 

Courfeyrac finally felt satisfied with his place in the situation – he began to take strides away from the scene, pulling a very distraught mooing animal along with him by the rope.

 

“Come along now, Monsieur Cow. Onwards we go.”

 

People stared.

 

**Monsieur Cow Poses Questions**

Courfeyrac knocked on the door of Combeferre’s – no one answered, and, tentatively looking around, he knocked again. “Combeferre,” he whisper-shouted, “Combeferre, open the damn door!”

 

Urgency must have sparked something, as his friend’s door creaked open, revealing a sliver of a very tired looking Combeferre. Courf frowned, “You don’t look so good.”

 

“Thanks. I’m trying to study,” was the reply, “ _trying_ being the key word.” Sarcasm dripped form his voice and Courfeyrac rolled his eyes, “Do you need something, or, are you just going to stand there?”

 

A pause. “I have a hypothetical question for you,” said he. Combeferre frowned in reply, creaking the door open a bit more as if to allow a bit more breathing room, and he waited. Continuing: “About cows.”

 

“Cows?” his friend scowled, “I’m trying to study!”

 

Frantically, Courfeyrac waved his hands, gripping the edge of the door as to stop it before it was shut. He took a deep breath, “I just need to know what cows eat.”

 

“Why the _hell_ would I know?”

 

“You know everything,” insisted Courf, “and I need to know this.”

 

“Why?”

 

“…No reason in particular.”

 

The door slammed shut.

 

**Monsieur Cow Finds a Hiding Place**

If Enjolras found out that Courfeyrac was dealing with a problem induced by livestock instead of working on pamphlets, he would surely be in trouble. A real question shaped in his mind. Now, where was he going to keep a freaking _cow_?

 

It took him about five minutes of illogical thinking to come up with a conclusion, and the aforementioned ended in the decision to stash the cow in the back room of the upstairs in Café Musain. He considered it a moment of pure genius, if he was being honest with himself – and that is precisely how he ended up tugging a cow up the stairs by a rope, muttering words of encouragement. Monsieur Cow mooed and mooed in protest, clearly unhappy with Courfeyrac’s choice of hiding location, and paused every few stairs to make a face that he was certain resembled a scowl.

 

“Come on, you fat animal, up we go!” no movement, “Monsieur Cow, _move your ass!”_

 

It was in that moment when Marius and Joly came trampling down the stairs, distracted as they collectively looked intently at a sheet of paper. Courfeyrac froze and, when they looked up to see him standing next to a cow he held on rope, he was sure they’d rat him out to Enjolras (no animals in the Musain!).

 

Instead, they simply smiled at him, nodding respectively at the two people (well, man and cow) stopped on the stairway, and moved along. Courfeyrac was sure his exhale could be heard all the way down the stairs.

 

It wasn’t until they reached the door of the Musain when they stopped and looked at each other with unblinking eyes:

 

“Wait a second.”

 

**Monsieur Cow is Thirsty**

Grantaire waddled into the upper room of Café Musain rather early, as the sunset from the windows was low in the sky, resulting in hazy purple air. He was in search of wine – not for any particular reason, but more so intent on not letting Bahorel hog the good stuff – and it occurred that the refreshments hadn’t been set out yet.

 

Naturally, that was unacceptable, so Grantaire slowly and languidly made his way into the back room, where they normally kept their stock of drinks and food items.  He yawned. He didn’t have a particular interest in the meeting tonight, as he was exhausted from—

 

He stopped in his tracks.

 

There was a cow drinking the wine. Drinking _his_ wine _._

Grantaire screamed.

 

**Monsieur Cow Helps Plan a Revolution**

No one decided to tell Enjolras. Anyone who witnessed Monsieur Cow in his hiding place in the back room didn’t say anything, as they came to a collective settlement that Courfeyrac must have been the plausible cause for the livestock invasion. No one told Marius either, because, well, he’s Marius. 

In the middle of a speech, Enjolras had derailed on the fact that none of them seemed to know the whereabouts of the gunpowder stock records. This bothered him; the leader did not like to lose things, or to not know where things were, let alone anything of the sort. He sent Les Amis to rummage through the main room, suddenly determined to find them before starting any other task. He couldn’t continue planning knowing such an important document had gone rogue.

 

This was when Les Amis watched Enjolras walk into the back room. It went quiet for a moment. All of those who knew of the cow’s existence seemed to tense up, waiting for a reaction, or an outburst, or _something,_ and Courfeyrac looked about paler than the marble man himself.

 

Moments later, Enjolras walked right back out. He stared at all of them, and in the silence, a moo erupted from the back room. The blonde pursed his lips, but it seemed all of his words escaped him, and he muttered a plain:

 

“There’s a cow.”

 

And Grantaire spit out his wine from laughing so hard.

 

**Monsieur Cow Causes Conflict**

“I want to keep him.”

 

“He drank my _wine!”_ said Grantaire.

 

“Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it!” replied Jehan.

 

“He. Drank. My. Wine.”

 

Enjolras’ moan came quickly, “Are you saying we have _two_ drunks now?”

 

“I take offense to that.”

 

“I’m sure Monsieur Cow does too,” Courfeyrac interjected. This earned him a hearty glare from Enjolras.

 

“You _named_ him?”

 

“He’s my friend, so yes.”

 

Grantaire was a moment away from inserting a smartass rebuttal, but Marius piped up from the corner of the room and interrupted the rest of them: “May we call him Napoleon?”

 

Enjolras shrieked an angry, “NO,” and Marius was momentarily scared of a potential physical attack.

 

**Monsieur Cow is stuck**

Ten minutes later, Courfeyrac noticed Combeferre is looking at him with a dumbfounded expression. He blinked a few times as if to try and rid himself of it, but it didn’t work, and he glared back: “And what’s wrong with you now!”

 

“We’re on the second floor of the Musain,” replied Combeferre. The statement held no resonance with Courfeyrac.

 

“Thank you for that intelligent statement.”

 

Combeferre stared at him and put his head in his hands, groaning loudly enough to get everyone else’s’ attention. He exclaimed, disbelief dripping from his voice;

 

“ _Cows can’t go down stairs.”_

Monsieur Cow mooed and Enjolras had to be held back from attacking Courfeyrac.

 

“THIS DOES NOT FURTHER OUR CAUSE!” 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I actually took time to write that - I'm a little embarrassed. I do hope it made you laugh. I saw the prompt and I, like, couldn't not write it, you know? 
> 
> Anyway, quick notes - it's movie!verse because I needed to incorporate stairs - and you know what, I don't really care if they really knew of cows' inability to walk down stairs back then. Comedic freedom, okay? 
> 
> This is totally a mini crackfic written past midnight, and not proofread once, so try not to take it too seriously. 
> 
> I've missed you guys and reading your thoughts! :)


End file.
